by Planex
Sun, 25 Jul 2021
Read in 5 minutes
Planex reaches new level of masochism exploring bandcamp
Death metal was meant to be ugly and horrifying. These days everyone seems to get excited about death metal that’s “forward-thinking” or “innovative”. You won’t find any of that here. The bands and demos featured here may be the best representation of true death metal in our new enlightened age. They’re ugly. They’re brutal. They’re stupid. They came up when I searched Bandcamp for ‘Slam’ and sorted by newest releases. Most of all, they’re terrible.
Racism – Racism: The TV Show
A common style in many Bandcamp slam demos is what I’ll call ‘edgy memelord slam’. This one was obvious from the cover art and the name. The most common trope in edgy memelord slam is long samples from Family Guy. Racism: The TV Show is no exception. It has horrible production on a single guitar that isn’t particularly heavy, BREEE BREEEEE vocal delivery that is making no attempts at words, and a drum machine fit for hip hop. There’s also some silly whistling and racial slurs. While there are a couple riffs, they aren’t even slam riffs. This is as bad as it gets.
Retarded Snare Score:
1/10
Score:
1/10
Esophagus – Amorphous
Esophagus are taking it seriously. Demilich level vocal fry grunter up front, suffocation riffs, and a drummer that’s trying to keep the pace fresh. Sadly, the drummer doesn’t do enough to keep this 10-minute demo from all sounding the same. Maybe he could have done more if the awful cymbal sound stopped playing every 1/8th of a second. It sounds triggered to me, maybe it’s an electronic drum set? Overall, it’s just mediocre. They seem to know what they’re doing, and if they can figure out some original ideas and make the vocalist shut up for a moment, they could make something passable.
Retarded Snare Score:
3/10
Score:
3/10
Epitomectomy – The Epitome of Fucked
The guy in a slam snapback and slam hoodie ripping a bloody bong should tell you right away that this is that SLAM WORLDWIDE shit. The Epitome of Fucked is fighting above their weight class by showing up in the newest releases of the ‘slam’ tag. This has everything the slam connoisseur is looking for. Big brutal grooves, nasty pinches, crazy vocals in a couple styles, and guest features from what I can only assume are big names in the SLAM WORLDWIDE scene. Head bangin’
Retarded Snare Score:
3/10 [ bonus demo track: 7/10 ]
Score:
6/10
Bible Man Slam – Biblemarmageddon
Of the crap I selected for this dumpster dive, I was most excited for this one. Bibleman is here to save the day. The description proudly states that this was recorded all on one microphone bought from Amazon for $29.99, and it delivers on the low-fi charm. Sure, they’re not playing perfectly in time. Yeah, the mic is crackling a lot. Biblemanslam don’t let that stop them from having a ton of fun. It even got a laugh out of me on the track “I PURCHASED THE RIGHTS TO BIBLICALMEN” which starts with a clean rock intro that ends with the line “I am being sued.”
Retarded Snare Score:
7/10
Score:
6/10
Ultima Weapon – Tales from Noisy Troglodytes
With a zombie holding a joint and a flaming stroller on the cover, I wasn’t expecting progressive / technical death metal riffs. Ultima Weapon are fans of Demilich and Immolation. Clear focus on riff density, they alternate between fast angular riffs and more traditional chugging BDM sections. It’s still very sloppy, and the drums are very low in the mix. Tales from Noisy Troglodytes is better than expected, but expectations were low and this is not outstanding in any way.
Retarded Snare Score:
6/10
Score:
4/10
Waifucide – In the Depths of Intoxication
Spanish slamsters Waifucide are back with another one. Their demo from January came up in one of my previous undocumented ‘slam’ tag dumpster diving sessions, and it was up there with the better slam I’ve heard this year. I was delighted to bring them back for this dumpster dive, and even more delighted that they brought it back too! In the Depths of Intoxication delivers high-energy, headbanging slam. They’ve already progressed impressively in just a few months. Frenzied vocals, brutal riffs, fucking SPEED. They don’t settle into lame chugging, nor do they play the same riff 20 different ways and call it a demo. Waifucide are the Ali Baba sword in the endless landfill of Bandcamp slam bands.
Retarded Snare Score:
6/10
Score:
7/10
Bifurcation – Torture is my Business… But Who’s Buyin?
There is not much to say about this one. It was recorded in a basement and I doubt they wrote this 3 minute demo before they recorded it - It’s just lazy fucking around. They padded out the second track with a 25 second sample. At least they’re trying to play some riffs…
Retarded Snare Score:
3/10
Score:
2/10
Serrated – Eradication EP
Serrated play hardcore-leaning, tough guy breakdown slam with impressive production value. Serrated do a good job of creating a violent atmosphere with a melodic, almost synth-like guitar in the background. Again, there isn’t much to say about this one. It’s brutal, it’s macho, it’s fine.
Retarded Snare Score:
2/10
Score:
5/10
Foreskin Decapitation – Volume Whore
I really didn’t want to listen to something with hentai girls murdering Hitler on the cover, but it wouldn’t be fair to the dumpster dive if I ignored it. It’s yet another 10 minutes of ‘edgy memelord slam’. The cartoon samples of choice are Aqua Teen Hunger Force and Rick and Morty. I’ll give them credit for having a live drummer, but otherwise Foreskin Decapitation play exactly what you’d expect: BREE BREE, generic BDM riffs, breakdowns, and quirky ‘fun’ sections that are as enjoyable as the namesake would be.
Retarded Snare Score:
5/10
Score:
2/10